Wanna get loaded

I really want to get bombed out of my mind. Doesn't look like it is going to happen though.

Must Buy a Zune, Must Buy a Zune

First Itunes gets me addicted to Feist and now Zune has me raving about Rogue Wave's "Lake Michigan". I am a zombie to corporate America and I'm okay with that.

I'm 24 and Booby

Mounds have developed where chesticles should reside!!

I don't understand why. I avoid most feminine foods like milk and cheese and go swimming a few days each week. This should not be happening; I'm too young for boobage.

I'm imagining the worst right now; Me having to get breast reduction surgery like that loser Jimmy J.J. Walker.

T-Shirt Idea

I think I came up with a great T-shirt and or bumper sticker idea:

Keep This Planet Clean
It's Not Uranus

Boom, there it is. Copyright 2008


I am now actively seeking investors for this T-shirt idea. The start-up money is small, maybe $500 to 1,000.

I'm Sick

I feel like hell, and this is not a good time to be sick. Tomorrow I have a job interview and I need to be on my A game. Actually I am thinking being sick might be good because it will result in lower brain activity and so I won't be overanxious.

I also just want to be in bed sleeping, but we have to interview potential roommates tonight.

Whatever I'm done bitching.

Oh, and yeah, this is officially my 100th post, not the last one. I had a post that was saved as a draft and so that counted as an extra one.

Congrats to my blog. I can't believe it has survived this long.

Happy New Year To Me

2008 is going to be my year.

By the end of 2008 I will have a new job, more money, better hair, savings, six pack abs, new cell phone, a dog named Pete, no credit card debt, more friends, better friends, cooler friends, hotter friends, less vanity, more me-time, and that's it.

Oh tell me what you think of this insult:

Is that sass
Coming from your ass
You call a mouth?

I just thought of it today. I might use it on someone.

Ok, Happy New Year to all of you.

BTW: This is my 100th Post!

Worst Movie Pitch Contest

Radar Magazine is having a Worst Movie Pitch Contest judged by Harvey Weinstein.

I just entered the contest and so can you at this link.

Here is my submission:

The Pitch: Holocaust Survivor Moves to 1950's New York; Wackiness & Romance Ensue

The Premise: Down and Out Holocaust Survivor, Emanuel Goldstein, emigrates to Post-WWII New York after losing his family. All alone, Emanuel meets squirrels with the ability to talk in Central Park, Chuck, Stevie, and Barry. With the help of his new friends, Emanuel learns the ways of America, moving on after loss, and finding new love. Will their advice work when it comes to romancing Lydia, Emanuel's co-worker at the Italian Deli?

It's "Sophie's Choice" Meets "Alvin & the Chipmunks"

The Cast: Emanuel: Adrien Brody
Voice of Chuck: Hank Azaria
Voice of Stevie: Ben Affleck
Voice of Barry: Jon Voight
Lydia: Jessica Alba

My Third Death Has Come

Everything comes in threes. I believe that saying, especially when it comes to death.

Believing that, I became worried last night when at work my boss's grandmother had died. There's one...who will be next?

Later that night when I got home my roommate got a phone call saying her great uncle died. There's two...who will be next?

At that point I was kind of freaking out. Two deaths to people I didn't really know. Would the third death be someone close to me?

Nope, I just got news Dennis Kucinich's brother died, Perry.

I'm sorry for his family's loss, but am very much relieved. Thanks for filling the third spot, Perry. R.I.P.

TGIF: I'm So Excited

Well, maybe not that kind of excited. Oh well, sing it, Jessie.

I'm a Quaker!

You heard it hear first, everyone. I've converted to Quakerism, a.k.a the Religious Society of Friends.

Well, I haven't actually attended any of the masses or "friend sessions" or whatever they call them, or been through any actual initiation procedure, if that even exists, but I've made the conscious decision that I am a Quaker, which I think is the first step toward being a Quaker.

This all came about a few nights ago when I was watching the last season of Six Feet Under. Nate and Brenda attend a Quaker mass or whatever it's called under the influence from Maggie (George's daughter).

The whole ceremony seemed so spiritual to me. I need to be closer to God and have time to reflect. What better way to do it than at a Quaker mass or whatever it's called.

I also want to be a Quaker because of Maggie from Six Feet Under. She was so pious. Even though she had experienced so much loss in her life, she still seemed to be a forgiving, caring, and sympathetic soul.

Ok, so, Maggie had some flaws. She slept with Nate who was married and expecting another child, and, yes, the love making did end up killing him, but she felt really, really bad about it. She brought Brenda a quiche after the funeral. That's atonement if I've ever heard of it.

I'm getting off track. Anyway, I am going to become a Quaker or actually I am already. I know, I haven't figured that out yet, but basically I am one.

Does this make me a minority? Cause if so, I want the tax exemption status.

I Met My First Star Trek Geek

Start Trek Geeks - I personally never thought they existed, and if they did they only ventured out of their dank basements on rare occasions, like for a convention or Flag Day.

But they do and are around us at all times, disguised as normal humans. Until one day they slip up and reveal their true geek form by using some metaphor related to the show that seems to go on for hours and sedates most normal people.

That very thing happened to me today.

So who was this creature, you wonder. The cleaning lady? The security guard? The shy attorney no one likes? No, It was my BOSS!

And now my life is forever scarred. For over a year I've been working side by side with this person and it isn't until now I see the real him. It's like I don't even know him.

Just sad, plain sad.

It's our society that is at fault. We've become too accepting. We are allowing these people to come out of the closet. It just isn't right.

And now they are making another movie about the show! Have we learned nothing from 9/11?

A Jolt of Energy

I'll be honest. My life was been very blah lately. I've had nothing much to report. That is until I went to Safeway today. I perked right up after seeing that Uncle Ben's Rice was on sale!

Yes, you heard me. Uncle Ben's Rice. But this isn't just any ordinary Uncle Ben's. This is the rice that comes in the personal serving sizes you microwave for 90 seconds. Usually they are $2.29 each, but today they were 4 for $5.

That's right, 4 for $5.

I was going to take all they had, but my neighborhood is kind of poor so I just didn't feel right about hording them away from the community's impoverished children. They deserve to benefit from this deal too.

Then I realized that the poor probably don't even own microwaves to make the packages in, so I took half.

What a great day!

Bleeding Gingiva

My gums are bleeding and I'm paranoid about it.

I bought a new toothbrush last week and now every time I brush, my gums bleed.

I don't know if this is caused by the new toothbrush being too rough or because my last toothbrush was so old that it wasn't properly brushing my teeth.

It is kind of freaking me out, which is causing me to overbrush, which is causing more gum irritation. I did some research on the internet and all of these could be the cause. What am to do?

Funny thing: During my research, I noticed that now the ADA recommends brushing only twice a day, not thrice? When did this change? Did they just give up trying to get people to brush three times a day?

***

As a blogger, did I just cross the line of giving too much information on one's life?

No More Black Socks

That's it, I've had it. No more black socks in my life. They are uncomfortable, smelly, and create big balls of black lint when you take them off.

Oh, but you are saying that I am probably just buying the wrong kind. No, I am not. I've bought the cotton ones, cheap ones, moderately expensive ones, and they all produce the same result: a rank smell and black lint.

Oh, but you are saying that it is my feet that smell not the socks. No, it's the socks. I naturally have good smelling feet because of my genes. No question about it, it is the socks.

The solution to all this is to bring back the white tube sock style. Not the real long ones with the red stripes or whatever from the 80's, just the plain white sock.

Oh, but you are saying that white socks create lint just like black socks. Yes, but it's white lint, not black lint, so I am okay with that. Call me racist if you want, but this is just how I feel.

How did white socks fall out of style anyway? They look great with any shoe, sometimes even with sandals. I'm serious. The only reason they look odd is because nobody wears them anymore. If everyone started to wear white socks with black shoes it wouldn't be such an eye soar.

Anyway, if I want the white sock back this means I am going to have to start the trend off. God has given me the gift of trend setting and I must use it. "With great power comes great responsibility". So, starting today no more black socks in my life. White socks only....and occasionally brown.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I am multi-tasking like no other today at work; typing and scanning and answering phones and googling and tancredoing. It never stops. Don't be expecting any great posts for a bit.

Things I Do Not Care About

1. Dancing with the Stars - This show is number one in America? How? Why? What I find more amazing is how this show has given new life to a lot of D-listers' careers (Mario Lopez, Lisa Rinna). Just because they now can dance, that doesn't mean they can act.

2. Sean Taylor - He's dead, get over it. It's not like he was the quarterback. What does the safety even do really? Also, the Redskins were going to lose whether he was dead or alive. Why are you so sad about it?

3. My boss's kids - You're getting your kids a Wii for Christmas? Good for fucking you. They still won't love you. Babbette or whatever her name is in another play? Good for fucking her. She still won't ever amount to anything.

4. Natalee Holloway - If she was a fat redhead, would her death make so much news? Then again, if she was that, probably nobody would have wanted to rape and kill her. The price for beauty.

My Kiva Loanee: Tamella Huseynova

This is Tamella Huseynova. She is in debt to me for $50. Why? Because she participates in micro-credit/lending, a new phenomenon where organizations lend money to small business owners in third world countries. I made the small donation to the organization that financed her overall $1,100 loan.

Ms. Huseynova is from Azerbaijan and is using the money to enlarge her wedding supply shop. Today I was informed she made her first repayment of $92. That $92 is spread evenly among all her donors like me. Way to go, Tamella!

Here's the link to her profile: http://www.kiva.org/app.php?page=businesses&action=about&id=19085

And here's the link to the organization I donated to: http://www.kiva.org/

Being Positive!

I have a cold this week and it has made me quite grumpy. Instead of thinking about all the horrible things about colds, I tried to change my mood by thinking of the good things. Here's a few:

1. Being sick usually means loss of appetite, a great, easy way to lose a couple pounds. I would never encourage forced vomiting, but if you are sick enough to vomit, go for! Your waistline will thank you once your healthy.

2. Excessive coughing can really give your abs a workout.

3. People will purposely avoid you.

4. Haven't been able to get back at the person you despise? Get'em sick! Touching their possessions is the easiest way. Or if you want to be stealthy, lick some of their drink ware.

Lies I've Told People

If you are ever in a jam, lying can be the best way to get out of it.

For example: I was at a pool party with a bunch of people I really didn't know. Unfortunately I had some acne on my chest I was too shy to show. So what did I do?

I kept my shirt on and told people I was self conscience because I was recovering from a recent gunshot wound.

Not only did this lie allow me to keep my shirt on, but it also gave me street cred.

I Have the Maturity Level of a 12 year old

Today, a bunch of lawyers who work at other branches are in our office. One of the lawyers had to bring her 3 month old infant and also flew her mother into town to watch over the baby.

Later this afternoon, the grandmother was tired and the two were discussing what to do with the baby. The lawyer then brought up how she would have to pump soon and so it might be easier to leave the baby in the office.

When she said pump, my eyes shot up and a goofy grin came across my face. Am I really this immature? Why does the act of breastfeeding make me do this?