Friday, November 30, 2007

Hostage Crisis at Hilary's Campaign Office & Evel Knievel Dies

Coincidence? I think not.

What are the chances of these two things happening all on the same day? I'm feeling a conspiracy here.

From CNN: Great-Great Grandma at 67!

Cnn.com has a story on Ms. Alice Mills from Philadelphia who is being evicted from her home because her landlord can't afford the mortgage.

It's a sad story; this housing crisis is a big problem for a lot of people. But what struck me about this story is that Alice Mills at the age of 67 is a great-great grandma.

How does one become a great-great grandma at 67? This means that everyone of her offsprings' offsprings had to have had children at 16 or 17.

Let's do the math. Alice Mills has four generations below her:

-So if she had a child at 17 she would be a mom.
-If her child had a baby at 17, she would be 34, making her a grandmother.
-If that baby had a mistake at 17, then she would be 51 and a great-grandmother.
-And if that mistake had a bastard at 16, Alice would be 67 and now a great-great grandmother.

I don't know, Alice, but I think you getting booted is just one of many screw-ups in your family.

**Update**
I found this tidbit in the article under a picture of Alice:
"Mills says she's packed up and ready to move, but for now she says she has no place to go."
I thought being a great-great grandmother at 67 was incredible, but having four generations turn you away tops that.

No More Black Socks

That's it, I've had it. No more black socks in my life. They are uncomfortable, smelly, and create big balls of black lint when you take them off.

Oh, but you are saying that I am probably just buying the wrong kind. No, I am not. I've bought the cotton ones, cheap ones, moderately expensive ones, and they all produce the same result: a rank smell and black lint.

Oh, but you are saying that it is my feet that smell not the socks. No, it's the socks. I naturally have good smelling feet because of my genes. No question about it, it is the socks.

The solution to all this is to bring back the white tube sock style. Not the real long ones with the red stripes or whatever from the 80's, just the plain white sock.

Oh, but you are saying that white socks create lint just like black socks. Yes, but it's white lint, not black lint, so I am okay with that. Call me racist if you want, but this is just how I feel.

How did white socks fall out of style anyway? They look great with any shoe, sometimes even with sandals. I'm serious. The only reason they look odd is because nobody wears them anymore. If everyone started to wear white socks with black shoes it wouldn't be such an eye soar.

Anyway, if I want the white sock back this means I am going to have to start the trend off. God has given me the gift of trend setting and I must use it. "With great power comes great responsibility". So, starting today no more black socks in my life. White socks only....and occasionally brown.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Amy Sedaris, like poor southerners, Hi-lar-ious

Amy Sedaris came to DC tonight and performed for an hour. It was great; she did her faces, a craft, answered questions on her life and on Strangers with Candy. I couldn't be more happy. Katie, the woman who runs the AmySedarisRocks.com site was also in attendance. I've been on her email list for some time, so it was neat to see what she looked like.

At the end Amy signed books, but since I already own the book and the line was quite long I did not get to meet her. So my sister and I did what was second best. Squatted down, posed, and took a picture with Amy Sedaris in the background. Can you say classy? Here's the photo:

Ok, why the blacked out eyes? I don't feel comfortable posting my image on here.

"But, Vlad, nobody comes on this site except your mother and a few friends, what's the big deal?"

The big deal is that someday I will be a big time blogger and am just not ready for people to stop me on the street wanting my autograph or telling me how hot I am. This kind of stuff happens everyday to famous bloggers.

"But, Vlad, you put up other celebrity photos and rip on people's tragic deaths spewed across the news, aren't you being a bit hypocritical?"

Yes, yes I am.

*****

Oh, and I said I was going to try to limit my complaining, but I have to say something about the 6th and I synagogue where the event was held. C'est horrible.

The sound system was on the fritz and the view for many of the people in the balcony was impossible. People actually had to stand because you could not see the performance. I was very disappointed in the venue. Also the four squawking birds with bad perms sitting behind us did not help.

One more thing: Amy Cohen (tonight's moderator), after hearing your jokes, I now understand why Caroline In the City was such a rotten show and quickly canceled.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I am multi-tasking like no other today at work; typing and scanning and answering phones and googling and tancredoing. It never stops. Don't be expecting any great posts for a bit.

YouTube Republican Debate Rocked!

Watching Romney and Giuliani go head to head was great television. I hope the Democrats were taking notes.

Also, the booing and clapping shows how divided the republican party is. Did I really just hear some in the audience boo Giuliani and McCain??

By the way, what's with Thompson's jowls?

Tancredo, did you really use your last name as an action verb? Nobody knows who you are; you can't do that.

Lady with question on toys from China, why are your kids still playing with the lead toys?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Blog Advice

I found this site today that gives blog advice. Unfortunately I can't find it now. It had a great piece about how new bloggers should write as much as they can in order to figure out their "rhythm" or some word like that.

So that is what I am going to do. Write, write, write. That is going to mean some posts are going to be dull or boring...wait dull and boring are the same thing. Anyway, I am just giving all my adoring fans of this blog a heads up that sometimes this blog may suck.

You may be saying, but Vlad, it sucks already. Well, tough, you are the stupid fool who keeps coming back.

Please keep coming back. My self worth is based on the number of people who visit my site daily. Right now I'm at a 13 (Pathetic, I know).

Oh, the site also said that if a blogger is complaining in more than 20% of the entries, then the blog is no good. I noticed that I complained twice today, so I will try to not be such a whiny bitch.

But I think I had good reason to whine about those things. Kal Penn really does suck in everything he does. The media coverage on Natalee Holloway is ludicrous. Who let's their high school daughter travel to Aruba alone anyway? Irresponsible parents, that's who. They are the ones who should be locked up.

See, look, now I'm talking about it again. It must stop. No more coverage, please!

I Hate You, Kal Penn

Every role I see you in makes me sick. Your Indian stereotype didn't make me laugh in Van Wilder or Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, you were horrible in Epic Movie, Superman Returns sucked, I hate that your character messed with Cordy on Angel, and the "Beer Bad" episode you had a guest spot in on Buffy was the worst episode ever and I blame you.

Now I have to look at you every week on House. Ugh! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!! No, not you personally, just every thing you've done careerwise.

Things I Do Not Care About

1. Dancing with the Stars - This show is number one in America? How? Why? What I find more amazing is how this show has given new life to a lot of D-listers' careers (Mario Lopez, Lisa Rinna). Just because they now can dance, that doesn't mean they can act.

2. Sean Taylor - He's dead, get over it. It's not like he was the quarterback. What does the safety even do really? Also, the Redskins were going to lose whether he was dead or alive. Why are you so sad about it?

3. My boss's kids - You're getting your kids a Wii for Christmas? Good for fucking you. They still won't love you. Babbette or whatever her name is in another play? Good for fucking her. She still won't ever amount to anything.

4. Natalee Holloway - If she was a fat redhead, would her death make so much news? Then again, if she was that, probably nobody would have wanted to rape and kill her. The price for beauty.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Pakistani President Musharraf Calls Opposition "Pussies"

Is President Musharraf using the international hand signal for vagina? I wonder who he could be talking about, hmmm, looking at you Benazir Bhutto.

Tip Benazir Bhutto: a great way to respond is by spreading two fingers across your mouth and sticking your tongue out in a repeated motion. Works everytime.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sex Education

Abstinence Sex Education in this country is a joke! It just isn't effective enough. Kids are still going out having premarital sex and getting pregnant. The current system must change.

And this is how: Horror stories.

Horror stories about pregnancy are the only way to stop kids from having sex. I'll share one that you may also use on your own kids to promote abstinence.

True story: I worked with a lady whose baby ripped her from hole to hole during labor.

Big Head, Small Frame. Never a happy ending.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Winter Fashion: In & Out

I'm a fashionable guy; always have been, always will be. I'm also a pretty good judge of what the latest crazes will be. It's the coolness factor inside me that sets me apart from the rest. I see things in our society and can sense the fashion trends before they've really begun.

So here are my Fashion predictions for winter 2008.


IN: Sweaters.

Sweathers are back and I'm talking all kinds; white, black, yellow, even Indian is in. Though not the ones from the subcontinent. Only the savage Indian kind, you know, with the head dresses and the peace pipes.

And even though a person can never have enough sweaters, watch out how many you have with Mickey Mouse on the front. Change it up a bit; try Donald or Goofy. One with Mickey and Minnie together would be extra special. I compare the Disney look this winter to when people keep the ski-lift tickets on their coats although they haven't been to the slopes for over a month. You as a proud Disney tourist should do the same.


Out: Tie-Dye Shirts

Sorry, Hippies, not even this dead-end Iraq war is going to bring back the Tie-dyes. We're going to need a few thousand more dead for that fashion style to come crawling back.

Interesting side note: Marijuana out; orgies in. Who Knew?
I did, that's who. It's a gift.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Family Guy Not So Bad Tonight

I quite enjoyed tonight's Family Guy. It was quite humorous with it's satire on illegal immigration. I also think it had a lot to do with it not being a Stewie/Brian episode. Keep it up, Family Guy.

D.C. Not in Top Ten "Most Dangerous Cities"

What a turn around this city has done in the past ten years. So, okay, I don't know personally what that turn around has been since I've only been a two year resident, but from what people say, Washington D.C. is not the crime haven it once was.

Now we have a list that proves that [CNN Article]. A list DC seemed to be a permanent fixture to is no longer.

This has much to do to the gentrification of many neighborhoods, including mine, but also more importantly to a more effective city government.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Deep Thoughts #4

Question: Is there a point to blind people going to art exhibits?

Answer: No.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Comedy Central's Drawn Together Canceled?


The season finale of "Drawn Together" was on tonight and there were several comments at the end of the show that it had been canceled. Wikipedia has a mention of this also.

I am not surprised or upset about this news. Though I watch it when it is on late nights, the latest season's episodes have been lame. Most of the jokes are just profanity and sex. It is trying to be over the top for a quick laugh.

This is quite different than the show's first season. I found it to be quite humorous because of its off-the-wall and ironic dialogue and plots. It's satire of reality shows and cartoon characters made me laugh quite a bit.

Those days are gone and it seems so is Drawn Together. The producers really should have seen this coming. Adam Carolla was involved and everything he does ends up getting canned.

I hope Family Guy takes this as a warning. Stop doing stupid gags just to cross the line. The high school male demographic is not that profitable.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Reuters Writing For 12 Year Olds

Today, Reuters journalist, Richard Cowan, wrote an article on the budget fight between Congress and the President. Well, apparently, Mr. Cowan thinks his readers are children or have just woken from a seven year coma because he felt it was necessary to point this out in his article:

On October 15, Bush, a Republican, said in a speech to business people in Arkansas, "You're fixing to see what they call a fiscal showdown in Washington."


Maybe he added that part for the international readers. Most of them think he is a fascist. :P *

I know this is small and insignificant, but it really bothers me it was put in. It makes me think less of Reuters.

*The use of smiley faces on this blog will be kept to a minimum. We apologize to all viewers who are annoyed by smiley faces as much as we are.

Who's Hot? Arianna Huffington, That's Who

Ok, so Ms. Huffington isn't hot because of the accent (what country is that from?), or the innovative blog she started (innovative because she doesn't pay the writers), or her failed run for governor of California (if that were true Gary Coleman would be hot).

She's hot for one reason: Her jugs.

My Kiva Loanee: Tamella Huseynova

This is Tamella Huseynova. She is in debt to me for $50. Why? Because she participates in micro-credit/lending, a new phenomenon where organizations lend money to small business owners in third world countries. I made the small donation to the organization that financed her overall $1,100 loan.

Ms. Huseynova is from Azerbaijan and is using the money to enlarge her wedding supply shop. Today I was informed she made her first repayment of $92. That $92 is spread evenly among all her donors like me. Way to go, Tamella!

Here's the link to her profile: http://www.kiva.org/app.php?page=businesses&action=about&id=19085

And here's the link to the organization I donated to: http://www.kiva.org/

Thank You, Foreign Readers

Google Analytics is quite a cool program. Not only does it tell me how many people have visited my blog, but it also lets me know what countries the readers are from.

So thank you, Dutch, Canadian, British, German, Brazilian, and Mexican readers. Actually screw all of them except the Mexican reader. Our friend from the south stayed on the site for over a minute and viewed three pages. The others didn't even stay over 2 seconds.

Siempre me ha gustado México.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Word of the Week: Patricide

Definition: –noun
1. the act of killing one's own father.
2. a person who commits such an act.

Pronunciation: pat·ri·cide - [pa-truh-sahyd]

Sentence: In hindsight, Marvin Gaye really should have committed patricide.

Deep Thoughts # 4

The children's book, Stuart Little, is kind of creepy. Think about it. Stuart is the biological son to the Littles. So Mrs. Little gave birth to a rat. He wasn't adopted or just found on the street. He popped out of Mrs. Little. And this is what we read our children before they go to bed!?!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Pope is coming to DC

I'm a little excited that his holiness will be coming to DC in April. Now I know I am not the best Catholic, or even a good one, but still something about the Pope lights a fire of faith in me. No, not about that God stuff, but the faith in knowing I was born into the right religion and others weren't.

Anyway, I received this email from the archdiocese about tickets to his mass at the National's stadium:

Thank you for your interest in obtaining tickets to attend the upcoming
Mass that our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, will celebrate in
Washington, DC during his Apostolic Journey to the United States. We
share in your joy of this special blessing.

The Archdiocese of Washington has not finalized plans for distribution
of tickets. In the past, our custom for major events has been to
distribute tickets primarily through our parishes and organizations with
whom we collaborate in the pastoral care of the local Church.

Once a decision on ticket distribution is made, it will be announced
publicly, including at the archdiocesan website, www.adw.org, and in the
Catholic Standard and El Pregonero newspapers.

Looks like I need to find a church to join and fast before all the other stragglers beat me to it!

Wowed by Feist



I was at the bar this weekend and this song was playing in the background. It sounded oddly familiar, mainly because it's on an Ipod commercial. And even though I don't like musicians who sell their songs to commercials or for theme songs (I'm glaring at you Natasha Beddingfield and your "Unwritten" crap song), Feist and this song are still Indie enough to be cool.

I'm in a Rut

Before I even explain why I am in a rut, I want express my love for the phrase, "I'm in a rut". It is only four words and rut has the most letters with three. So simple, yet says so much. I could say that I am depressed or I am down, but those are lazy phrases. "I'm in a rut" has depth the others don't have, and it's quite fun to say.

Enough with that boondoogleness. I'm in a rut. Why?

Uh, I don't even want to talk about it. Just pity me, okay! That's all I really want. Or is it attention? What's the difference.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Intervention Tonight!

First episode: Meth addict and alcoholic with two kids. Started drinking at the age of 9, supplied by his mother. This episode is like a poor man's Drew Barrymore bio. Perfect!

Second episode: It's Cristy the drunken/drugged up whore. Seen it.

Amy Sedaris Coming to DC

Amy Sedaris is coming to the nation's capital on November 29th. She'll be speaking at some synagogue for an hour at $15 a pop. I've already got my ticket.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Being Positive!

I have a cold this week and it has made me quite grumpy. Instead of thinking about all the horrible things about colds, I tried to change my mood by thinking of the good things. Here's a few:

1. Being sick usually means loss of appetite, a great, easy way to lose a couple pounds. I would never encourage forced vomiting, but if you are sick enough to vomit, go for! Your waistline will thank you once your healthy.

2. Excessive coughing can really give your abs a workout.

3. People will purposely avoid you.

4. Haven't been able to get back at the person you despise? Get'em sick! Touching their possessions is the easiest way. Or if you want to be stealthy, lick some of their drink ware.

Lies I've Told People

If you are ever in a jam, lying can be the best way to get out of it.

For example: I was at a pool party with a bunch of people I really didn't know. Unfortunately I had some acne on my chest I was too shy to show. So what did I do?

I kept my shirt on and told people I was self conscience because I was recovering from a recent gunshot wound.

Not only did this lie allow me to keep my shirt on, but it also gave me street cred.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Crazy Little Place Called Ohio

I grew up in a real small town in Ohio, about 20 miles from this town called Montezuma. Well, apparently in the town of Montezuma a brother and sister ran against each other for mayor.

The girl won, but what is funny about this story is that it made news in DC. The last time a story about Northwest Ohio made news in DC papers was during the floods a few years back.

Here's the story from CBS News (yes, it even made national news)

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

GWU Gone Crazy

This story is hilarious and sad at the same time. It comes from a great blog called, Why I Hate DC. Here you go: http://whyihatedc.blogspot.com/2007/11/higher-learning.html

Charismatic Sarkozy

French President Nicholas Sarkozy is in town this week, and I must say I am wowed by this man. He is comfortable in front of a crowd, as seen in this clip of him speaking to the French community in Washington D.C.

The clip is in French, but he speaks slow enough I could understand some. What really caught my ear was the part about equality. When was the last time you heard our president speak about equality?? It's almost like a bad word to some politicians.

Sarkozy heralds a new era in French-American relations. I am sure once Bush is out of office relations between France and America will only grow stronger.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I Have the Maturity Level of a 12 year old

Today, a bunch of lawyers who work at other branches are in our office. One of the lawyers had to bring her 3 month old infant and also flew her mother into town to watch over the baby.

Later this afternoon, the grandmother was tired and the two were discussing what to do with the baby. The lawyer then brought up how she would have to pump soon and so it might be easier to leave the baby in the office.

When she said pump, my eyes shot up and a goofy grin came across my face. Am I really this immature? Why does the act of breastfeeding make me do this?

Who's Hot? New Attorney General Mukasey, That's Who!

Oh, Soon to be Attorney General Michael Mukasey. Although the old age, grey hair, balding top, wrinkles, glasses, nose hair, smell of Gold Bond, and being a Republican are all a bit creepy, knowing that you don't consider waterboarding torture let's me know you like things freaky! S&M is hot and so are you!


Retarded: Acceptable Language?

I'm sitting at my desk and a co-worker of mine just described herself as "mathmatically retarded". I found this quite odd since she refuses to curse in public and when she curses in emails, she uses F*** for fuck and A** for ass; but she says retarded without a thought.

I don't think it is okay for her to use the word so freely. Retarded is a derogatory term for someone with a handicap. To use it crudely is worse than saying shit or fuck.

I honestly don't think her saying retarded would be a problem to me if she didn't act like such a prude with other curse words.

Monday, November 5, 2007

United States #1 in Competitiveness

Although there are great fears of the United States losing its competitive edge, the World Economic Forum, a think-tank in Switzerland, ranks the United States as Numbero Uno.

The above group comes from The Economist, which has a small article about the graph.

Click here for the World Economic Forum's report on Global Economic Competitiveness.

What Ever Happened to...

Aaliyah???


I haven't heard her come out with a new song in a long time. Death is no excuse. It didn't stop Tupac. It's called staying power, Aaliyah. Look it up!

That's the music biz for you; Here one day, gone the next.

U.S./ Pakistani Relations

How much sway does the Bush Administration have over General-President Musharraf? (AP, "Bush urges Musharraf to hold elections")

Hold onto your hats, kids, we're about to find out.

Now I won't claim to be an expert on Pakistani politics, but Musharraf has never seemed to me as one who likes to give up any sort of power. If he is to resign as commander of the military, it will only be when his ascension as President is ensured; requiring a deal between him and Bhutto.

Intervention Tonight at 8 PM on A&E

By far the best reality television show has changed time slots and will now be on Mondays at 8 & 9 PM starting tonight! There will actually be two episodes tonight; the 8 PM one is likely a rerun.

If you've never heard of Intervention, here's the A&E website. *Note* I wanted to get a video clip of the show for the blog, BUT A&E has apparently banned clips of its shows on YouTube. Not smart, my blog gives free promotion! Ok, maybe to only 5 or 6 people (if lucky), but that's still something.

I hope tonight's episode is about an alcoholic, pill-popping housewife. It's always better when kids are involved.

Oh, and if you can't catch the episodes at 8 & 9 because you are watching something better (Samantha Who?), A&E, as with most cable networks, replays them starting at 11 PM.

Deep Thoughts #2

I never really considered the obesity epidemic a bad thing.

The fatter everyone else gets just means the better I look.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Deep Thoughts

In less than one hundred years, our country went from requiring 90% of the workforce to grow the nation's food supply to fewer than 1% of it, while at the same time doubling the population.

Amazing.

F the World; I'm a Fool

F' the world. No, actually I mean Fuck the world.

Last night as I was exiting Farragut North Metro, an elderly, well-dressed, black women stops me. She seemed disheveled and was talking rather quickly. Apparently she had locked her keys in her car, a BMW, with her purse and cell phone inside. Joan (we exchanged names) couldn't have the police unlock it because it would require scratching up her beemer. What Joan wanted from me was some money so she could get a cab ride back to her house in Aspen Hills. Aspen Hills is quite a distance and she asked for 80 dollars.

Probably you can tell where this is going, but I will tell you that I was strong. I was very hesitant at first, but in the end I fell for her. Joan said she was a Christian, who wouldn't!

So I gave her the money and she promised to give me a call that night to repay me (I gave my number, but stupidly didn't get hers). As she hailed for a cab, again promised she would call me as a "Christian" and hugged me. Before she left she thanked me for returning her faith in humanity.

It is now 24 hours later and no call. Go fuck yourself, Joan. Because of you I lost my faith in humanity. Ok, maybe not, but it still really pisses me off. I'm living paycheck to paycheck here; I can't be giving money away!

Actually, I probably had it coming. I haven't donated any money recently, so I guess it is good I gave it to Joan. She was in need of the money for something, who knows for what. So yeah, I'll look at this in a positive light. Instead of being conned, I was giving a donation. I did something for someone else. I'll consider this my yearly donation. Sweet, elderly, Christian Joan needed that money and unfortunately could only get it by lying. You deserve that money, Joan. Spend it well... hopefully on drugs.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Word of the Week: Tabescent

Definition: adjective, wasting away; becoming emaciated or consumed.

Pronunciation: ta·bes·cent, [tuh-bes-uh nt]

Sentence: Tonya is a shoo-in for prom queen now that she is tabescent.

Kim Kardashian's show

What's more sad, the actual show, "Keeping up with the Kardashians" or me watching it????

It's Saturday, what else am I suppose to do.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Thanks, Amanda from Ugly Betty

You make me feel not so bad about being a Receptionist! You are hot and driven and you still answer phones.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Did you hear the one about...?

What do you get when one Aussie lectures another Aussie about proper water usage?

Answer: A Dead Aussie. Ha Ha Ha!

Those people down under sure are funny, with their dingos, emus, and whatnots. The topper though has to be this story about their crazy antics.

Keep um' coming, Australia. You have me in stiches.